Ceremonies of Love and Commitment for Polyamorous Couples?
As more and more people recognise that monogamy is not right for them, it is high time that celebrants catch up. I have been honoured to conduct ceremonies for polyamorous couples in the past - some for the couple to make a commitment on their own terms, as well as a naming ceremony for the child of a poly couple.
So, what do you want to commit to?
What is your intention behind making this commitment to one another?
I’ve received feedback that the questions I asked helped couples clarify the terms and boundaries of their relationship, and gave them a new lens through which to appreciate and celebrate what they share.
These are some questions I used for a couple who were established as one another’s nesting/anchor partners. They were having a nature-based hand-fasting ceremony and had - perhaps understandably, given common hetero- and mononormative assumptions - told me much more about what their relationship wasn’t compared to what it was.
What is the commitment that this ceremony represents? What do you want to formalise in terms of what you offer to one another?
Connected to this, perhaps; these gestures mean something slightly different to everyone; what does a hand-fasting represent to you?
What is it about being in nature that feels so right? The connection with the elements? That you share a love of nature and it feels representative of your relationship? That it brings you into a state of universal connection, being part of something bigger? Something else entirely?
What is the nature of the love you share that makes it unique and special?
These are just examples; I invited the couple to pick and choose from a longer list of questions and - as with everyone I work with - just to respond to the questions that felt pertinent.
Just for Couples?
You might want to have a ceremony for two of you committing with the context of polyamory, but you may also want a ceremony for a three (or more) person partnership. You might use a ceremony for:
Commitment marking
Community recognition
Ritual and meaning
Re-commitment after change
Legal marriage between two, with a ceremonial inclusion of others
A relationship transition (e.g., becoming nesting partners)
What Rituals Shall We Include?
Well, as ever, that’s entirely your choice! Many traditional gestures carry language of ownership or merging, so you might instead choose (or create) rituals that reflect the commitments and autonomy that feel true to your relationship.
You might:
Plant something
Blend sands
Exchange promises, agreements, or vows
Exchange rings or other tokens
Have a hand-fasting, like the couple I mentioned above
Or create something entirely new and bespoke to you!
Who Do We Invite?
Nobody, everybody, a small group of people who “get it”, other partners… the choice is yours! And so perhaps the questions to leave you with, are:
Is your ceremony just for you (as a couple or multi-person partnership)?
Is the purpose of the ceremony to be witnessed in formalising or celebrating your commitment?
And most importantly, what feels best to you?
Whatever shape your love takes, this ceremony holds space for your commitments, your connections, and the story you are writing together.