Ceremonies of Love and Commitment for Polyamorous Couples?

As more and more people recognise that monogamy is not right for them, it is high time that celebrants catch up. I have been honoured to conduct ceremonies for polyamorous couples in the past - some for the couple to make a commitment on their own terms, as well as a naming ceremony for the child of a poly couple.

So, what do you want to commit to?

What is your intention behind making this commitment to one another? 

I’ve received feedback that the questions I asked helped couples clarify the terms and boundaries of their relationship, and gave them a new lens through which to appreciate and celebrate what they share.

These are some questions I used for a couple who were established as one another’s nesting/anchor partners. They were having a nature-based hand-fasting ceremony and had - perhaps understandably, given common hetero- and mononormative assumptions - told me much more about what their relationship wasn’t compared to what it was.

• What is the commitment that this ceremony represents? What do you want to formalise in terms of what you offer to one another?

• Connected to this, perhaps; these gestures mean something slightly different to everyone; what does a hand-fasting represent to you?

• What is it about being in nature that feels so right? The connection with the elements? That you share a love of nature and it feels representative of your relationship? That it brings you into a state of universal connection, being part of something bigger? Something else entirely?

• What is the nature of the love you share that makes it unique and special?

These are just examples; I invited the couple to pick and choose from a longer list of questions and - as with everyone I work with - just to respond to the questions that felt pertinent.

Just for Couples?

You might want to have a ceremony for two of you committing with the context of polyamory, but you may also want a ceremony for a three (or more) person partnership. You might use a ceremony for:

• Commitment marking

• Community recognition

• Ritual and meaning

• Re-commitment after change

• Legal marriage between two, with a ceremonial inclusion of others

• A relationship transition (e.g., becoming nesting partners)

What Rituals Shall We Include?

Well, as ever, that’s entirely your choice! Many traditional gestures carry language of ownership or merging, so you might instead choose (or create) rituals that reflect the commitments and autonomy that feel true to your relationship.

You might:

• Plant something

• Blend sands

• Exchange promises, agreements, or vows

• Exchange rings or other tokens

• Have a hand-fasting, like the couple I mentioned above

• Or create something entirely new and bespoke to you!

Who Do We Invite?

Nobody, everybody, a small group of people who “get it”, other partners… the choice is yours! And so perhaps the questions to leave you with, are:

• Is your ceremony just for you (as a couple or multi-person partnership)?

• Is the purpose of the ceremony to be witnessed in formalising or celebrating your commitment?

• And most importantly, what feels best to you?

Whatever shape your love takes, this ceremony holds space for your commitments, your connections, and the story you are writing together.

You Don’t Need to Be Deadnamed to Get Married in Scotland

At Agnostic Scotland, we’re proudly and unwaveringly trans-inclusive.

If you’re a trans person planning a wedding or civil partnership in Scotland, you might be feeling anxious about how your name or gender will be recorded. One of the most common and painful concerns for trans couples is the fear of being deadnamed - especially in something as deeply personal, meaningful (and potentially public) as your wedding ceremony.

So here is some key information to put your mind at ease:

• You do not need a Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC) to be married in the name and gender you live as.

• Your deadname does not need to appear in your ceremony, on your marriage certificate, or in the official records.

We’ve had this confirmed directly with the appropriate authority body, and we’re sharing that information here to reassure and empower you. 

Here’s What You Need to Know

If you’re a trans person who has not yet applied for or received a GRC, here’s what the process of registering for marriage or civil partnership using your chosen name looks like in Scotland:

• You fill out your marriage notice using the name you are known by and use in daily life.

• You may indicate the gender you identify with — or, if you're non-binary, the gender you most identify with, or the one assigned at birth (whatever feels safest and right for you). Unfortunately, non-binary genders are not legally recognised in the UK. (Our celebrants will always respect and use your chosen pronouns and language; this lack of nuance only applies to the documents).

• You do not need to disclose your deadname publicly. You only need to let the registrar know privately that your current name differs from your birth entry because you're trans.

Crucially:

Providing the registrar is aware that the party is trans, the deadname will not be included in the marriage schedule. The marriage schedule and certificate will be issued in the name the party is known by and using, with no amplification of the deadname.

Unless you specifically request otherwise, your deadname will not appear in the legal documents or be spoken during the ceremony. This is your day - and your identity will be respected, protected, and celebrated.

What If My Registrar Asks for Guidance?

Some registrars may contact the relevant body of authority for advice on handling this correctly. If that happens, please don’t take it personally - it's not doubt or suspicion. It’s actually the registrar doing their due diligence to make sure they don’t out you or misstep in any way.

We’re here to advocate for you throughout that process, and we will work in partnership with your registrar to ensure everything is handled smoothly and respectfully.

At the Heart of It All: You

Getting married should be joyful, affirming, and safe. As your celebrants, we are 100% committed to making sure your ceremony is a reflection of you; your love, your life, and your truth.

You deserve to be seen and celebrated for who you are. We will never include language you haven’t agreed to, and we will never use your deadname (unless you ask for it).

You Have the Right to Be Fully You — on Paper and in Person

You don’t need a GRC. You don’t need to be outed or to be deadnamed.

You just need to be you.

With you in pride and celebration,
Linda (and co-author Han Deacon), on behalf of the Agnostic Scotland Team